Unfashionable Crusader Part 1: The Reckoning

This, I have decided, is to be my new alias: the Unfashionable Crusader (and no, not because of my dress sense. I know how to dress like a true gentleman, damn your eyes). For this first part, we’re talking about music.

For those of you who don’t know, I was a drummer for a good seven years, playing shows all over the place, before jacking it in when I turned sixteen to pursue a military career. Back in those days, I wouldn’t listen to much beyond good old rock and roll or heavy metal, but have since developed an ear for almost everything. However, there are so many aspects of modern music I hate, I’ve decided to rant about them here.

Let’s look at pop music (to use the literal meaning of ‘popular’), which these seems synonymous with modern hiphop. I have to say, it all seems very aggressive these days. The Black Eyed Peas, for instance, in their song ‘Boom Boom Pow’ (which I always felt sounds like it was named by a three-year old watching Muhammad Ali demolish George Foreman), have some lyrics which I’d like to examine here.

Firstly, we have Stacy Ferguson shouting ‘I’m so 3008, you so 2000 and late’. Is she referring to her age in that statement, I wonder? She seems so full of botox and plastic it doesn’t seem impossible. Then we have will.i.am (a very clever ‘word play’ on William, I hope you’ll note), telling us he’s ‘shitting on y’all with the boom, boom’.

Ah, fantastic. Lyrical genius, indeed. Do you wonder if there are any self-respecting young gentlemen in a club dancing, saying to each other, ‘I say, this chap’s defecating on us! Capital fun, what?’. I doubt it. The whole point of so much modern music these days seems to be ‘We’re better than you. Enjoy listening to us telling you how much you suck’.

Then there’s Rihanna, bringing in the age of new young women, whose answers to gangsta attitudes of ‘Let’s fuck dem hoes’ isn’t quite what feminist advocates would approve of. Her song ‘Rude Boy’ mocks budding gangster’s ability to ‘get it up’, as well as their girth (or lack thereof), but I can’t help but feel all this terrible music is damaging society. Aggressive boys, aggressive girls, and Lady Gaga’s spaced out idiocy isn’t helping anyone towards inspiration of any kind.

This leads me onto dubstep and drum ‘n bass. I genuinely enjoy a fair bit of DNB, particularly more mainstream things. A friend of mine is a drum ‘n bass DJ, and he howls in protest when I tell them I enjoy listening to Pendulum; apparently he is some form of purist, and detests any kind of his DNB which contains any singing or, indeed, melody.

But even if his drum ‘n bass tunes are mostly a repetitive beat with the sole theme being a noise like an air-conditioner serving for the verse and an absence of it for the chorus, I can listen to all that far easier than dubstep. I hate that stuff, no other word for it, and regrettably my brother is a dubstep ‘producer’.

To my perhaps ignorant ears, it seems to me that dubstep ‘music’ is recreated every day on building sites all over the world, missing only the occasional bang of a snare drum. All that’s missing is sexually frustrated twenty-somethings wearing toddlers’ clothes dancing around like they have brain damage.

The modern metal scene is much the same as it ever was. Having grown out of it at 14, I can look back on it with a critical eye. Angry, angry music, though largely dominated by friendless teens or men approaching their 50s who need to look in the mirror and calm down before they do themselves an injury. At their ages, a hip replacement isn’t an outside possibility.

Good old fashioned rock music doesn’t even seem to exist anymore, seemingly having been overtaken by ‘indie’ trends which all sound the damned same. But then again, my cynicism has overtaken my love for rock ‘n roll too, since these days I look back on Angus Young as a pillock doing a stupid walk and pretending to have a fit…oh, I don’t know, I’m just a musical Philistine these days, and I can’t be bothered to write anymore since I want to crack on with Part 2. Yeah.

About tcjogden69

Former soldier, current boxing trainer/student living in Tbilisi.
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